Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft
Audiobook, read May 2021
I would like to recommend this book to every person 16 years of age and older. It should not be read in a vacuum, as nothing should, but more than anything I have ever seen or read, this book describes abuse with clarity and specificity, and provides suggestions for action to the abused person, people of authority, and loved ones. It is deeply compassionate for the abused person, and it systematically dissects every knee-jerk or taught empathetic response to abuse that we all tend to have. This book provides no excuses for an abuser’s behaviour: the abuser’s problem is not anger management, or mental illness, or trauma; the abuser’s problem is an abusive mindset, and treating anything other than that will not solve the problem of abuse. This book dispels every common myth about abuse with a firmness and specificity that I have hardly ever encountered.
This book isn’t new – in fact, it’s fairly dated. In its introduction, it does attempt to address the fact that not all abusers are men and not all abusive relationships are heterosexual, but in execution, this book will not serve queer relationships as effectively as cishet relationships with an abusive male partner. But I believe there is value, still, for everyone: it uses clear language and examples to identify many types of abuse and abusive personalities, which is a useful tool for any toolbox. The reason I want to recommend it to everyone is because so many abusive behaviours are still, to this day, considered normal or unremarkable. People deserve to feel respected in their relationships, and I think people who date men are ready to sacrifice respect in some way, simply because it feels so hard to come by. I have no judgment for those people, and I have no answer. But I just wish we could talk more about the ways in which disrespect manifests, and when it manifests as abuse. I wish we could talk about it, and this book does.
I was at first suspicious when I realized the author was a man, but as the book went on I felt relieved, instead. I recently finished Kai Cheng Thom’s book of essays, I Hope We Choose Love, and left with the question: whose job is it to do the hard work of helping hurtful people? I want good men to help abusive men stop being abusive, because I don’t want women to have to do this work – and here we are, Lundy Bancroft, doing that work. I was grateful.
When I read Carmen Maria Machado’s In the Dream House a year and a half ago, shortly after leaving a six-year abusive relationship, it felt like some part of me had been unlocked. I felt profoundly validated, and that book was a huge first step in allowing me to confidently identify my experience as abuse. Since then, I have been in a beautiful, healthy relationship, constantly encountering new ways in which those six years of abuse affected me. I’ll jot down thoughts and feelings, here and there, and I attended an eight-week therapy program to address some of the consequences, but I know I have many more years of work ahead of me. More than almost anything, I have understood what it means when we say trauma lives in the body. This book was a massive next step in validating the more complex thoughts and feelings that have come up in the past year, and while maybe I wish this book might have helped me 7 years ago, I am grateful for its help now.
